17th August, 2001. 12:54 am. Rush
Eric. I didnt expect it. But hes perfect for me right now. And i think that I could love him. Because Hes a perfect combination. We were talking about cheating and family and ex people and jokes and everything and we can relate. And hes not afraid to be what he is. Hes immature but i love it and critical. But i know he likes me very much and he never means it in that evil way. But i wont stress over him like the other guys. Theres no need to, becuase I already know I like him and he knows he likes me and in the end all the inbetween doesnt matter. So now hes my sort of boyfriend as he and i put it. He has the most beautiful eyes.
i kissed chris corrosy today. And im glad that I didnt let eric get in the way of kissing chris because it was what i have been wanting to do. And kissing chris didnt mean anything. It is all a game. I gave him two hickeyts one on his cheek and another on his arm. I was marking ym territory. I think that deep in the creavaces of chirs corrosys mind he likes me buthes pigheaded and wants to be on the top of the world so he wont admit it. But thats what i lvoe about him and thats why hell be my friend and eric will be my boyfriend. Because eric may seem more immature but chris just hasnt realized what age and sex and girls mean at all. He has the mentality of a 8th grader.
im leavingfor europe tommroow. Alex and I are not on the best terms.
Hi charlie, i want to talk abotu u7 in herebut i cant because u read it. But sometimes I just love u soo much and i mean it every little bit. Because i know u love me soomuch too. and it makes me so happy to know that theres a person out there that loves me every little bit as much as i love them.
14th August, 2001. 5:09 pm. Satan
Eric is Satan. Hes fucking hilarious and hes about the frst person I should not like. But we are fucking hilarious together. It sbecause it was unexpected and it was just cuddling and laughing becayuse he is such a mean peice of shit like me but wont play games. he has the same sort of philosophy as me.......easy come easy go....sure....and hahahah your fat. And he has the that one trait that I love but alwasy works against me becayuse I do it myslef. The I love myslef and nobody else matters except sometimes and most of the times but i wont let them effect my life. But either way its just fun. Like the time he stuck crabs down my butt. And we all went to the beach naked and he made that girl stick the banna up her hole...and erica. Hes like a little boy but proud of it so it makes him somewhat sexy, in a weird strange erikish way.
10th August, 2001. 3:32 am. Animal Suicide
I think of all the guys ive "liked" these years. And I wonder why I would be remotely sad for the goodbyes. At the time they seemed important.
moods are subject to change. WHich means were all sincere back stabbing evil amnazing best/worst freinds.
not all poeple.
probably just speaking for myslef.
I can go for the perfect zennesss or the absolute turmoil or the inbetween of a normal life.hmmmmmm buddha? rock star? or permpress cut grass? no way
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10th August, 2001. 3:29 am. PerceptioN
Its a game and i can choose to go along iwth it or not. and then maybe someday i will become really good atit. And its a fun game when u get the hang of it. Because u can manipulate it anyway you want and form your own conclusions. But in the end its all the same. People love you when u can play the game but at the same time they really dont because then your really never yourslef. And to yourself it dfoesnt matter because your always inside yourslef and if u love yoruslef nobody else's love mattersexcept your mom. So maybe im jelous of him, but why should i be because im in the game and i play the game and im damn good at it just as good as him. But today hes on top because he tells himslef that he is. But it doesnt make sense. I will come out the winner when i play the game but only in my mind. I helped him and I could ahve been his friend. But he always has to have control and be on top.And its 3:25 in the morning and I know that the only reason that im writing this is because hes on top right now. Were in the sameleague same team actually. Its the competition of not looking pathetic but cool calm and collected. We all have potential to be idiots. It is only perspective that changes it all.
i feel sick to my stomach.
i wont tommroow.
but this helped.
It always does.
the silent pretenciousness.
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7th August, 2001. 6:15 pm. Poison
Theres a few people in my mind right now that i dont give a shit about right now but in a way theyre in the back of my head. Chris Corrosy and Dexstar. Dexstar because I never really got to say goodby to him and I know im probably never going to see him again, knowing the way he is. And I just wanted to be his friend, which makes me think that I should have never hooked uo with him. And chris corrosywho is driving me FUCKING insane. Hes on and off and etcetc..he calls me to hang out and then flakes out. Its the worst because we do the same thing at the same time and we both have the same game. So im going to forget about both of them. I get tired of beign nice, being mean is so much easier haha. Im not in love with either of them, i dont even have crushes on them. But theyre both fun people, that are confusing peices of shit. Plus im great and fantastic and Irational and very very very impatient.
yesterday Alex and I went to venice and sat on the boardwalk with a sign that said "well be your best friend for a dollar" for an hour we made eight bucks which is more than minumum wage. Theyre are so many cute boys out there. (matt dillon in little darlings) and im having people over tommroow and im going to hapilly sit by the pool and drink my pina colada with alex. and Juga might give me a job at the shop on the beach when i ,move back.
1 and half weeks till europe.
todays inbobs brthday.
and im going to this poetry reading place to meet vic with alex and parker. ........
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5th August, 2001. 3:20 am. Parker Penis
Parker went on my live journal and said i was a lesbian. hahahahahahahahahhaha
5th August, 2001. 3:00 am.
i love that word.
like compost and manure.
it was charlies birthday today. I called him 3 times. last night at midnight. During the day. And at night before he went to bed. I wish I could have seen him today.
Chris Corrosy is a flaky peice of shit but i dont care. He wont admit that he enjoys me. Even though hes started calling me 3times a day. even during the day. But he'll never come to hang out.
Bob kissed the girl I owe him ten dollars. Im so happy for him.
i have noting to say im talking to parker.....
5th August, 2001. 12:04 am. I can't lie anymore
I know that I always talk about boys and how much I want them blah blah blah
Today, something changes it all
My mom found my dirty pictures and to her surprise yes they are all of girls.
It was so easy to lie It was like telling a story but now it's all different, If the person closest to me knows why should everyone else?
Im a lesbian
There I said it
I dont know what else to say
1st August, 2001. 3:04 am. je'mapelleOLIVIA
Chris Corrosy drives me fucking insane. some of his personality traits are very much like mine. But in an ackward way. Just all the bad ones. And it is not thatvery often that I find a person that can deal with the little weird bad/ good traits. And understands the conceitednesz, rudeness, sporadicness, randomness, cheapness, meaneess. But Im on to him. Well maybe. Sometimes you really are then they deny it or maybe im totally wrong.
this new rx bandits song is sexy. Robert and i were discussing the extreme diffrence between rx bandits and sublime. comeon sublime si so much better then rx bandits. yiou cant even compare them i was very offended.
Alex and I are going to a gun show this weekend before we go to this party. Our first party alone together ina longn time.I miss her. The extra specialness is fading. But I knwo it will coem back. I coudl live without alex. But I wouldnt want to. People really can be your friends forever.
all i want is to listen to the Lounge music by the pool while drinking out of my martini(with an olive may i add) with my sexy cigarette holder with rhinestones, smoking Fantasies. If soemone outbids me on this. Im going to fucking screammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Annne Rice enraptures me. When I read her books i fully immerse myslef in them and nothing else matters. Movies are great. But assumption is common. Books tell the inbetween and the beginign and the middle. And meshes to your imagery in your head. Movies are representations of imaginations.
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30th July, 2001. 12:59 pm.
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short and simple. less complicated.